To Shine My Brightest

Love, who is worthy enough to write about it?

The complexity of the world is kept inside us. The world is layered with sheets of faith one holds to stay in a circle called love. But is the world complex then? Absolutely, when we are one of those people who question what we are supposed to hold onto in the core. The layers in the complexity do not divide a multi-layered class where you can find different people who are at a higher level if they found the realness of love since we ought to find it. But those layers reveal new understandings each time we face doubts that resents us to believe in love.

Do we know what love is actually? Not exactly, but I found people who describe it in the most perfect way in a song.

The lyricists of the song most probably acknowledge a quote from Greta Garbo,

Your private joys and sorrows, you can never tell them. You cheapen the inside of yourself if you do tell them.

Anyone could find this quote easily. They see the line and translate this into their own experience but I associate this with the context of hiding behind a mask to protect the weakest spot of your heart, which could only be touched if you let someone else embrace it, or the time you let your heart accept love. So when it hits us, we always try hard to look perfect in perceiving our blossomed feeling.

In love, we would pledge that we also want to look perfect. As long as it means to impress the one we want to look good for, we swear to turn ourselves to how it or they want us to be. They are in terms of a person, while it is in terms of thought. Now, this is where the thought comes from.

Those thoughts are memories that we depend on. There should be more explanation on why memories have a big chain to our necks but it sure touches you on what it means to be living in a thin line of memory strands. It consumes us how this big and rotten thought perceives us to think that we are in love with it. It seems like it has shaped us as a person. It does, to be frank. It helped us avoid many other decisions to fall into another pit of despair.

Let’s also understand that the longer those memories linger, we will think that we will hold onto a false hope while also hiding behind a mask to lie to ourselves.

These memories seem like it also pledges us in a way we pledge to them to always stay by each other’s sides. An unwritten vow was somehow established between them and us so instead of actually being in love, we are in love with a feeling. This was just a layer to the complexity of the word love. When we realize that we are only in love with a feeling, the subject beholding that feeling is ourselves. We own those memories that we could overpower of our own accord. It doesn’t just consume us, it finishes us. Some people accept that.

There is a tender spot that stores all the hidden feelings, which is some kind of an area to protect the vulnerability that we want to protect. This does not mean that people who acknowledge their tender spot is a weak people in a negative way, but if we found this area, we could understand a soul even deeper. The definition was explained further by Muish in the translation of the song which will be the core of this writing, known as Outro: Her by BTS.

Do we begin to wonder yet, what the answer to the first line is?

Not before we reach the middle ground between truth and lie. So far, we have only been lying to our hearts. Let’s not say we are lying to the one we want to look perfect for because the first target of hatred is inside. If truth and lie were the two edges of the tissue to wipe our tears, they would absorb the wetness by the same capacity. They hurt us the same way, and cheer us up with the same remedy.

The whole time we got drunk in memories that said tissue stitched us with all elements of the lie. Some people inside the memory did not appear, and some did not even contribute in giving the same feeling, but we want to believe that they gave us the feeling equivalent to love so they stay inside the memory blinding us between which one was the truth, which prevents us to understand what we should feel about it. In the end, it only sinks us more. We are forced to hide behind a mask to conceal the burden those memories drag our eye bags.

When the memories are people, we hate the idea of them knowing what is behind the mask. A layer that sits between the idea and reality. A cloth that is proof of the warmth of love someone wishes to shower us with. No light could reach us like sunlight that won’t shine in the depth of the sea.

Deception, ignorance, and fear.

Do we finally wonder why they took place while finding love?

Because they are the mask itself.

Need to say that it took years to understand the difference between being caught up in memories other than anything else. Masked on, we would think that the idea of being loved would never come again. Shutting up from other people to make sure that we won’t receive love from them is an act of compassion because love is just as it is, but it is all of it.

There was a light in our life that shines with all its warmth. It greets us with cheers like the song says. It embraced us. The people and memories who used to be there to welcome us were a mere part ray that is now covered with clouds and no sign of rain. When we thought that it was fine to shade under the dark cloud, we found comfort in holding onto those longing feelings as if we were wearing a mask.

Tick tock, the dark is over.

And we finally took our masks off.

가장 빛나야 할 시간에 난 mask off
But at the time that I need to shine the brightest, I take my mask off

At that time, we shouldn’t wait until the sky clears again. Instead, we can see the clear sky and breathe under its warmth by walking to find a space where the sun shines without a shadowed cloud. No external element nor a mask would conceal us from the life we’ve been living, because this time we don’t deceive our hearts anymore.

Realistically, this is the same act we show when we refuse to welcome the trials on the path to finding love. Stiff as if we wear a mask to show our best version. We refuse to accept that love is around for us to find again. The journey to find love isn’t only to accept reality but to let go of the memories holding back that have been telling us that we are unworthy of receiving something even bigger than the long pain. To actually break the invisible barrier between your weak spot and the freedom to feel love — to accept being loved.

What this lyric means to me is that I really happened to drop it all, the mask, the hiding, and the indefinite search for validation in a form of love. After a long period of waiting, I realized that it was myself that I should put the spotlight on since the feeling that I’ve searched for never gave me the chance to be like this here. Since it is about when else would we shine the brightest?

So who is worthy of writing about love, after all? It is we who took it all off. We who outgrew the place and feelings to be where we are today, though that weak spot stays there. You just outgrew it, took your feet, and the walk went on. Also because of that, you accept the shine for yourself.

Moving on isn’t always about fading the feelings, rather than reading again that lyric to know that’s what happened to me.

Giving up is courageous too, it was part of the song. To stay on the same path took courage too. Here is to another year of acknowledging the most heartfelt lyric anyone could ever write about courage and its fruitful journey to find love in the complexity of the world, which after all, is inside us all the time.

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